Travis R. Martin, CPA » satire

Class Action Hero: Kansas Collector Takes on Baseball’s Steroid Suspects

travisrmartin — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 06:06:10 +0000

Pewter shows off a few pieces from his Ortiz collection

To step into Jon Pewter’s home in Topeka, Kansas is to gain an understanding of the far-reaching pull of Red Sox nation.

Like many heartlanders, Pewter discovered the Nation during Boston’s World Series run in the fall of 2004 and immediately became enamored with the team’s two biggest stars – sluggers Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz.

To commemorate his newfound fandom, Pewter began turning his basement into a Sox shrine, amassing a collection of Ortiz/Ramirez memorabilia that would make Ben Affleck drool.

There’s the eight autographed bats (six Ramirez and two Ortiz). And the twenty-eight autographed baseballs (an even fourteen-fourteen split between Ramirez and Ortiz). And the six framed autographed jerseys (one home, road, and alternative jersey for both Ramirez and Ortiz, Pewter explains). And the Ramirez autographed batting gloves. And the Ortiz autographed spikes. And the dozens of gem mint, professionally graded Ortiz and Ramirez rookie baseball cards. And the list goes on.

All of this, collected by a man who lives nearly 1,500 miles away from Boston, and has never seen Ortiz or Ramirez play in person.

“It all started with this ‘Papi’ (David Ortiz) jersey,” Pewter said with a chuckle, “I got it for $799.99 from mlb.com right after the Sox won the series in 04’.”

Overall, Pewter estimates he has invested nearly $18,000 in Ramirez and Ortiz memorabilia. It’s value today?

“Take off a few of those zeros, and you’d be in the ballpark,” Pewter said, this time without the chuckle. The value of Pewter’s memorabilia collection is yet another casualty of baseball’s steroid era, which recently expanded to include both Ramirez and Ortiz.

“After I heard about their involvement, I went through the same emotions that every fan has: denial, anger, betrayal,” Pewter said, “but at the end of the day I just felt like I should do something to send a message on behalf of fans everywhere.”

Pewter’s message is coming – in the form of litigation. With the help of attorney Robert Holder, Pewter is organizing a class action lawsuit against Ortiz, Ramirez, and other major leaguers implicated in the steroid scandal.

“Many of the pieces I have, I bought as investments,” Pewter explained, “and I bought them based on the performance of the athletes. Those performances turned out to be artificial.”

As part of the lawsuit, Pewter is hoping he and other fans will receive compensation for the loss of value in their memorabilia collections.

Holder believes that the lawsuit has potential. “Our stance is that these athletes are no different than the CEO who inflates his company’s earnings to make its stock price go up. By using performance enhancing drugs, these ballplayers were able to generate inflated statistics that encouraged fans to buy their memorabilia. The athletes profited. The teams profited. The fans were left holding the bag. We’re going to try to rectify that.”

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How to Dumb Down your Resume in Five Easy Steps

travisrmartin — Thu, 28 May 2009 03:25:48 +0000

Trading down. For many Americans, the practice has become a necessity during the current recession. Tight times have turned dine-out steaks into stay-at-home Spam. They have caused BMWs to become Dodges. And they have caused high speed home internet connections to become pirated Wi-Fi signals stolen from an unsuspecting neighbor (sorry, Ted).

As the century’s biggest economic crisis drags on, some are being forced to trade down in yet another area: their job. But, many job seekers are finding that going from unemployed manager to employed bottom feeder is easier said than done, thanks to that dreaded “o” word – “overqualified.”

The plight of the overqualified is being acknowledged by hiring directors everywhere. Jamaica Eilbes, a recruiter for the employment agency Manpower, practices Qualification Discrimination on a regular basis. “I’d never feel comfortable putting a really high-level candidate into a lower level position,” Eilbes explained to the Wall Street Journal.

Short on employment prospects, but not ingenuity, some job seekers have taken to dumbing down their resumes in hopes of convincing potential employers that they don’t have the experience and skills necessary to warrant fancy titles or high salaries.

Although the idea of dumbing-down a resume goes against two main tenets of resume creation, namely don’t lie and always put your best foot forward, some have landed the entry-level job of their dreams (or nightmares) thanks to the practice.

If your overqualification is quickly becoming desperation, you may be tempted to put the dumb treatment to your resume. Follow these five tips and you will be on your way back down the career ladder in no time.

Ditch the Printer

Nothing says “I have extensive technology skills that command a large salary” more than being able to create a document on the computer and subsequently print it off. The amount of button-mashing talent that goes into the document creation process is mind boggling. Why put yourself out of the running before a hiring director even starts reading your resume?

The better bet is to write your resume longhand on a piece of lined notebook paper. If you must insist on creating your resume on a computer, it is best to stick with a simple program like Paint, which I use for my dumbed-down resumes (see right).

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Resume Measures

Avoid Specifics

Conventional resume wisdom advises people to use specifics when describing their previous positions and accomplishments. Phrases like “generated $1,500,000 in new sales,” and “organized 37 new product launches” help hiring managers understand exactly what contributions a candidate is capable of making.

Your potential employers do not want to know that the person getting their coffee or making their copies is capable of outperforming them. Underwhelm them immediately by being as vague as possible. “Sold some stuff,” and “worked on things,” will work fine on your new resume.

Focus on Favorites

A good “skills” section can be an effective addition to some resumes.

However, in the brave new world of dumbed-down resumes, listing all the programming languages you know and the software programs you can operate will only make you seem like a know-it-all show off. Consider casting yourself as a loveable office goof by replacing the “skills” section of your resume with a “favorites” section. Be sure to include your favorite television shows, movies, music, and breakfast cereals. A good “favorites” section will show your potential employers that you can talk pop culture around the water cooler as well as anyone.

Get Creative with Your Salary History

If your salary history includes previous jobs that earned you $100,000+ a year, you run the risk of pricing yourself right out of the entry-level market. Thankfully there’s an easy work around to this problem.

Always denominate your previous salaries in a little-known foreign currency, such as the Omani Rial (OMR). With today’s exchange rates, you can turn a deal-breaking $100,000 salary history into a “you’re hired” ريال عماني 38,500.

You Don’t Need No Education

The tendency among learned people is to include all of their degrees, certificates, and training within the “education” section of their resume – which is fine for upper level positions that require an excess of book smarts.

But, for those people back peddling their way around the career path, there is a much better way to document intellectual prowess. Show your potential boss that you can think quickly on your feet by playing Jeopardy. Prior to developing your resume, play along with the television version of the popular quiz game each night for an entire week. Record your scores in the “Education” section of your resume. This will accomplish the goal of conveying your vast knowledge while hiding the fact that you have an MBA or other advanced degree.

There you have it. Five simple steps guaranteed to dumb down your resume. Check back after the recession ends (which should be soon according to economists) and we’ll examine How to Exaggerate Your Qualifications in Five Easy Steps.

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IRS Joins FDA in Cereal Crackdown

travisrmartin — Thu, 14 May 2009 13:11:22 +0000

Mikey Riley is a nine year old treasure hunter. For years the Fourth Grader from Tupelo, Mississippi has filled his breakfast bowl with puffs, pops, and flakes, draining box after box of cereal in hopes of finding the great toys hidden within.

Now Mikey has a problem. And he doesn’t like it.

Mikey is part of a growing number of children being targeted by the IRS for failure to pay taxes on the toy prizes found in their cereal boxes. According to longstanding IRS regulations, all prizes and awards must be included in a taxpayer’s income at their fair market value.

While the market value of a foam dinosaur that expands under water may not seem like much, IRS agent Henry Kottinger says that cereal toys are more valuable than people think. “Given the eventual collectability of these items, the IRS stance is that they carry a very high market value. The individuals receiving these toys should be responsible for the taxes,” said Kottinger.

Too young to work and too old to plead ignorance of tax laws, Mikey is now struggling to find ways to pay off his tax debt – which after penalties and interest amounts to $1,857.32. “Daddy says I’m too young to mow grass,” Mikey explained as he played with a white plastic helicopter he recently found in a box of Cap’n Crunch, “but Mommy said she would help me make a Lemonade Stand.”

Mikey enjoys his cereal prizes, but at what cost?

Despite criticism from parents and taxpayer advocacy groups, the IRS remains contrite. “The cereal boxes plainly read ‘prize inside,’” Kottinger said, “Until the cereal manufacturers change their marketing practices, the IRS must continue to enforce the tax law.”

The recent IRS cereal prize crackdown comes on the heels of an FDA announcement that Cheerios is actually a drug masquerading as a breakfast foodstuff. But unlike the FDA crackdown, which is mainly a General Mills problem, the IRS attack is hitting home for thousands of first-time taxpayers.

“I remember the first time Mommy brought home cereal in a box,” Mikey recalls, referencing the fact that his mother used to purchase generic cereal that came in bags and did not contain toys, “it was awesome.”

“Now I wish I never even heard of Cookie Crisp.”

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