Today’s bankruptcy filing by General Motors has given me yet another item I never had on my wish list – a minority stake in one of the biggest corporate failures in U.S. history.

Sorry if I can’t muster much excitement, Uncle Sam. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the thought, trying to save an industry and all. But, if you were going to buy us all something, why not make it something cool? You did know the Chicago Cubs are for sale, right?

Now instead of having the ultimate fantasy baseball experience, me and millions of other taxpayers are stuck holding a 60% stake in a car company that:

• Has lost all cachet with Generations X, Y, and Z
• Is losing market share quicker than an eight year old Chevy Lumina loses oil

And last but not least

• Is being reorganized by a 31 year-old Yale Law School Graduate with no business experience, who may or may
  

  Brian Deese and his Beard Mean Business at Government Motors (Crawley/New York Times)

  not possess a magical beard

Is there any wonder I want to toss this gift aside like a tacky Father’s Day necktie?

But, as my mother always told me “it’s the thought that counts.”

So, thank you Uncle Sam. I know this GM-thing cost you (uh, us) a lot. Some 50 billion dollars by most estimates. And probably more when it’s all said and done.

Just to show you that I don’t totally hate the gift, here’s my idea on how to make General Motors into something worth owning:

Turn the company into a reality television show.

I am not talking about sending in cameras to document the day-to-day happenings in the post-Fed GM. Nor am I proposing another generic “how cars are made” show on the Discovery Channel.

What I really want to see is a Survivor-meets-The Real World-meets The Apprentice-meets American Idol type of prime-time reality program. I’m sure the networks can fit one more into their schedule.

I want to see 36 GM employees living in a shuttered dealership – each trying to design the vehicle that will save the American automobile industry. I want to see the contestants earn their tools and materials through a series of inane automobile challenges (first contestant to find a Chevy with over 500,000 miles gets a socket wrench!).

I want night-vision cameras rolling each time someone from R&D hooks-up with a Powertrain Engineer in the back seat of a prototype car they designed together. I want to watch B-List celebrities coaching the GM’ers on how to create the perfect car.

Most of all, I want me and my fellow GM stakeholders (all 300 million of us) to be able to call each week and vote on which cars GM will build.

It’s a formula that helped American Idol contestants sell over 40,000,000 records. If the same formula can help GM move 40,000,000 automobiles, that gift Uncle Sam gave us just might be worth something.

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3. US Auto Industry Makes U-Turn, Embraces Fuel Efficiency Standards

What a difference two years makes. The Summer of 2009 is shaping up to be a bizzaro version of 2007, especially when it comes to the US auto industry.

For decades the automobile industry lobbied to stop federal mandates designed to improve vehicle quality and safety. Each requirement passed down by the Feds calling for trivial things like air bags, seat belts, turn signals, and crash standards, was decried by automobile executives as a nail in their respective company’s competitive coffin.

So, it is not without some degree of irony that Detroit’s Big 1.5 are embracing President Obama’s new plan that seeks to increase fuel efficiency and reduce greenhouse gases. Under the Obama plan announced Tuesday, average vehicle fuel efficiency for new cars must average 35.5 miles per gallon by 2016.

Ford CEO Alan Mulally praised the plan, calling it a “crucial milestone” that his company is “committed to meeting.” GM executives were equally enthusiastic.

Keep in mind, these are the same companies that, in 2007, vehemently opposed legislation requiring vehicles to obtain an average of 35 mpg by 2020.

In 2007, the auto industry called 35 mpg “unattainable.” Today, they are calling it an opportunity.

Why the sudden U-Turn?

Obama postponed announcing fuel efficiency standards for trams

The only logical explanation is that we are witnessing an $80 Billion change of heart. After receiving bailout funds to stay afloat, Detroit’s automakers are now in no position to argue. President Obama has exploited their moment of extreme weakness to achieve something that no president has been able to do: get an agreement on heightened fuel efficiency standards.

But, why stop there? Obviously, our tax dollars have Detroit’s attention. Let’s pressure President Obama to request a few more changes from the automakers – while they are still open to suggestion.

Here are two things on my Detroit Wish List. Feel free to add your demands in the comments.

Let Me Buy My Car On The Internet

I’m a point-and-click kind of guy. I don’t like dealers. I don’t like showrooms. Let me go to www.ford.com or www.chevy.com, customize a car from scratch, add it to my virtual shopping cart and be done with it. I’m fine if it takes five to seven days for the vehicle to arrive at my house (just ask Amazon – they know I’m all about the free super saver shipping).

And it’s not like I need a test drive. Outside of kicking the tires and getting a free soda, I get nothing from the in-person buying experience.

Make Better Commercials

The average car commercial is thirty seconds long. I estimate that, throughout the course of a year, I spend 1 day, 16 hours and 32 minutes watching car commercials (a testament to the sheer volume of car commercials on television, not my excessive television viewing).

Despite seeing hundreds of commercials, I can only vaguely recall something about Howie Long giving away a Honda lawnmower. That’s it. The rest of the ads are a blur of random vehicles whizzing down nondescript country roads and too good to be true financing offers.

If Detroit can’t even build a good 30 second spot, why should I believe they can build a good $30,000 automobile?

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