The Seven Types of Office E-Mailers
E-Mail. You open a window, type a message, and send it on. It is a pretty simple process. But, for some, getting from the “New” button to the “Send” button with a flawless message is a challenge.
If your co-workers are filling your inbox with ill-conceived messages, maybe it’s time to stage an e-mail intervention. Start now by learning to identify the Seven Types of Office E-Mailers.
The Hitchcock
Known as “The Master of Suspense,” Alfred Hitchcock kept his audiences on the edge of their seat with films like Psycho
Subjects? Subjects are for suckers!
and Dial M for Murder.
Of course, suspense works great in the black-and-white medium of film. In the black-and-white font of an e-mail inbox? Not so much.
Nevertheless, The Office Hitchcocks keep their co-workers guessing every day by dispatching subject-less e-mails in droves.
While the payoff for a Hitchcock film is satisfying (oh, that’s what happened to Norman’s mother), the reward for reading a Hitchcock e-mail is seldom worth the effort of opening it (oh, you need some help with a menial task).
This is exactly why The Office Hitchcock avoids the subject line like a plague of evil birds. The shroud of mystery provides the perfect cover for their otherwise meaningless e-mails.
The Subject Stuffer
Much like The Hitchcock, The Subject Stuffer has a problem understanding how the subject line of an e-mail should be used. But, instead of leaving the subject blank, The Stuffer attempts to cram their entire e-mail into the subject line, resulting in a string of words that disappears somewhere behind the date column in the inbox.
Having said their entire piece in the subject line, The Stuffer typically tacks on two or three extra words in the actual body of the e-mail. By combining the half of the subject that is readable, with the few words in the e-mail’s body, the reader is able to uncover a coherent thought about 15% of the time.
The Trader
Most people correctly view their co-workers as people they work with. The Trader, on the other hand, views everyone in the office as a potential customer. The Trader gladly shuns marketplaces like Craigslist, E-Bay, and the local newspaper’s classified section in order to sell their cars, sports tickets, and baby kittens directly to the office.
Aside from the benefits of marketing directly, The Trader also enjoys a lucrative negotiating advantage because they know how much disposable income each person in the office has.
The Proud (Parent/Aunt/Uncle/Sibling)
Your Niece Works for NASA? Congratulations! You Must Have Been A Great Aunt.
Not everyone’s accomplishments are front page news. But, thanks to office e-mail, The Proud Parent/Aunt/Uncle/Sibling can inform a mass audience about how their loved one got third place in a sixth-grade piano competition with a splendid rendition of “The Peanuts” theme.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve never personally met The Proud Parent/Aunt/Uncle/Sibling. They will continue to clog your inbox with their latest family news in a misguided attempt to boost their own self-esteem.
The Corrector
One of the wonderful things about e-mail is that it doesn’t cost any money to send. One of the worst things about e-mail is that it doesn’t cost any money to send. The Corrector takes advantage of the low cost of e-mail by hastily throwing together messages that largely ignore the basic conventions of spelling and grammar.
Then, The Corrector quickly issues e-mail version 2.0 which points out, in detail, each spelling error that occurred in the original e-mail. As a bonus, e-mail version 2.0 often contains an excuse as to why the errors happened in the first place (it’s been a busy day, spell check doesn’t work on webmail, the “s” key is way too close to the “d” key, etc.).
The Hunter
After learning about famous explorers in grade school, most people filed the information away and moved on. Unfortunately, some use their office e-mail thirty years later to carry out Ponce De Leon delusions. These people, The
Why, Yes. I Happen to Have a few Peacock Feather Suppliers that I use.
Hunters, are continuously searching for obscure items that are of great value to them but hold no particular value to anyone else.
After making their request, The Hunter will voluntarily tell you exactly why they are looking for things like a bulk lot of peacock feathers out of fear that if they don’t, you will report them to the feds.
The Tease
Unlike the other e-mailers, The Tease actually has something you want. It may be a spreadsheet. Or an important memo. But, The Tease isn’t going to give you what you need right away. Oh, no. They are going to make you beg for it.
First, The Tease will e-mail you promising important information. They will encourage you to peek at their attachments to find out more. You excitedly scroll to the top of the e-mail and look for the file…but nothing is there. You frantically close the e-mail and look to see if it has the attachment paper clip. But it’s not there either. There’s no attachment. You have been played.
Thankfully, like most Teases, The Tease will reveal all once they have been informed that they are a tease.
Conclusion
There you have it. The Seven Types of Office E-Mailers. I’m sure my list is noninclusive. If you’ve got a co-worker who just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to e-mail, throw in a comment. Together, we can make inboxes everywhere a little less aggravating.
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