The Legend of Mr. Tooters
Superman wears a cape. Batman wears a utility belt. Mr. Tooters, a student in my Computer Applications class, wears a faded black t-shirt depicting a gaseous stick figure luridly advertising “free gas.”
Mr. Tooters takes a break from breaking wind to pause for a photo opp.
When Mr. Tooters began my class in early December, he had already achieved mythical status. My fellow teachers spoke cryptically about the seemingly mild-mannered boy, known by most as “Steven,” whose complete and utter lack of self-awareness allowed him to break wind in a classroom full of people without feeling embarrassed. Like all good legends, everyone had heard stories of Mr. Tooters’ exploits, but few could seem to recall having witnessed them firsthand. That notwithstanding, I still believed.
Nearly three months went by. I waited patiently for Steven to unveil his gassy alter-ego, but to no avail. I started to wonder if the Legend of Mr. Tooters would go the way of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.
Then, last week, it happened. I had just finished demonstrating for my class the art of creating a table in Microsoft Access when all of the sudden, Mr. Tooters, without warning, raised half of his backside up from his chair and produced one of the most absurd farts in the history of public education. The sound, a cartoonish “brrraaapppppppppp” that was not unlike the sound a push mower makes when first started, echoed off of the concrete block walls of my classroom.
I stared at Mr. Tooters in disbelief. I think I said “that did not just happen,” but in my shocked state, I may have just mouthed the words. The other students exchanged confused glances with one another in a futile attempt to make sense of what had transpired. Did he just? Was that a? No. He couldn’t have. Could he?
And then the smell set in. Confusion quickly turned to desperation as the back row vacated their seats in hopes of finding cleaner air near the windows. One student demanded that Mr. Tooters be dismissed to the bathroom to “go wipe himself.”
Mr. Tooters said nothing. His face was beet red – not from humiliation, but from choking back the laughter that resulted from seeing the momentary carnage his bodily function had wrought.
It was at that moment that I understood the beauty of Mr. Tooters. Some kids are good at sports. Some kids get good grades. Some kids bully other kids. Each of these things may give a student a sense of belonging, but none of them are necessarily unique. At some point, Mr. Tooters learned that it doesn’t take straight A’s, bulging muscles, or a lights-out fastball to earn respect in high school. Sometimes all it takes is a little gas.
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[...] document my day-to-day experiences as a high school teacher. The above post, along with the posts The Legend of Mr. Tooters and Weiner, AR – The Capital of Adolescent Humor, are excerpts from my journal. Future excerpts [...]
Wow this was very funny. I laughed so hard and then I remembered that ‘Steven’ sits in my seat ona daily basis and defiles it. So thanks to this i am debating wrether or not to brink a can of disinfect spray to 5th period now. You should write a story about Eric now. haha
BELEAVE ME I KNOW WHERE YOUR CLASS IS COMING FROM HE SURE BLOWS PEOPLE AWAY AT HOME ALSO I CANNOT COUNT THE TIMES THAT I HAVE HAD TO USE CAN AFTER CAN OF AIR FRESHNER OR EVEN VACATE THE PREMISES TILL THE SMELL IS GONE I SWEAR I DID NOT TEACH HIM TO BE THIS WAY OR RAISE HIM TO BLOW PEOPLE AWAY LOL AFTER BUT THANK YOU FOR BEING UNDERSTANDING ABOUT HIS WAY OF BEING CUTE